The story goes like this:

Back in Grade 7 (1995) Midge switched schools half way through the year, to Woongoolba State Primary School. Being a new kid at any school is tough, but being half way through the final year is very frightening. Add to this the fact Midge is a ginger, and is little, hence the name Midge.

So here he was, scared, alone and probably just waiting to be beaten up. He made his way to the handball court. Could he impress onlookers with his skills and then be instantly popular? No. Instead he fell over in front of everyone. Pretty embarrassing right? Well, it got worse. He then began to cry. That’s right, he cried. In front of all his new peers, judging him, he broke down into tears. What a gingery little cry baby.

As you could imagine, the rest of his life he has had to live with this sad memory, constantly haunting him every day.

Poor randy rednut

Time went by and offer was never taken up, much to my disappointment, as I thought Danger had a nice ring to it.  Midge soon picked up on my eagerness and requested a new deal.  He would pay the $91 fee to change the name, but that was it.  I was happy with that, as I just wanted a funny name, so we went ahead with it.  Below is the official change of name certificate.

So when the movie was finally released I rushed to the cinema to see it. I was cautious however, as most movies, games, books etc that are as hyped up as Transformers was, usually tend to not only not live up to expectations, but disappoint instead.

Transformers seemed to be different. Well for the most part. Yes, there was the massively overdone cliche of all the popular guys giving the loveable nerd a hard time. Of course, the most popular of these guys happened to have an insanely hot girlfriend, who stood by while her boyfriend and his friends belittled the nerd, but silently felt pity for the poor kid. Ok, so nothing new so far, we’ve seen this all before. Disappointment number 1.

The second disappointment came a long way into the movie and that was the first time we saw an actual transformer, or some weird interpretation of the once loved robots. No longer could you tell that the robot was made of car parts. The great thing about the original transformers was that a car changed into a robot and still resembled the car! The bonnet was usually the chest and the wheels usually on the shoulders but these new ones… well there is barely any sign that they are in fact a car! To add to the disappointment, apart from colours of each transformer, there is really nothing to distinguish which transformer is which and this becomes blatantly obvious in faster moving scenes, but more about this later.

The rest of the movie was relatively good, no major complaints. There were many poor acting moments and more corny moments between the nerd and the hot chick but nothing that stands out more than any other movies. In fact, I enjoyed the rest of the movie, that is, until it got to the final scene in the city.

The first thing that made no sense in this scene was the fact that the Autobots had the cube which they had to get away from Megatron and the rest of the Decepticons. For some reason, they couldn’t just take it somewhere themselves. No, instead they decided to give it to the army. Why? No idea, they didn’t even try rationalise it. Secondly, if you were being pursued by deadly machines, hellbent on your destruction and you were a robot which didn’t like bringing harm to humans, where would you go? The most populated city you can find of course!! Thinking the story couldn’t get any stupider was a mistake on my part. Next they tell the nerd of the story he has to deliver the cube to the military. Of course! It makes perfect sense. The 20 metre tall robot could walk to the rendevous point in a matter of seconds and the whole ordeal would be over, but that’s just too logical for this movie! So, the nerd takes the cube, running down the main road of the city, being chased by massive robots, which for some reason don’t seem to gain ground on him even though each step he takes covers about 1m compared to the 20m they get. Obviously this kid only gives the illusion that he is a mere mortal, when in fact he is the flash. While all this is happening, the Autobots and Decepticons are battling it out, destroying the city and each other. Who is winning? No idea, you can’t tell who is who since all the robots look basically the same, not even slightly resembling the vehicles they transformed from. Then, to make things even more ridiculous, probably the most powerful and useful transformer, Starscream, is nowhere to be seen. We see him briefly fighting the military in the sky, but that’s about it. Why isn’t he pummeling the Autobots with rockets? Probably because he can’t separate friend from foe because of the above mentioned lack of uniqueness in the robots. Why doesn’t he just lock a missile on to the kid with the cube? Who knows. This scene makes no sense and ultimately, leaves you feeling disappointed with the movie as a whole, even though it was pretty damn good all the way through.

So if you enjoy a good action movie and can overlook a script which was probably written by a drunken manatee then check Transformers out, however if you want to keep the memory of Transformers a good one, turn the movie off before the final battle.

The rules were simple. Each registered player (40 in total), chose a song then played that song on the medium difficulty for 3 minutes. The top 5 scorers would go through to the final to compete for a top 3 finish. Each person in final 3 would win a copy of the game and the guitar controller. Incentive enough!

We were given the rules during the day, so I had a few hours to decide on a song to play. The demo which I had played for about 2 weeks featured 5 songs, all of which I could play well enough to get a good score, however I knew by looking on the net that other songs, which I had not played yet, could result in more points, even with a below perfect performance. Based on this, the song I chose to play was Stricken by Disturbed.

When I took to the stage, no significant scores had been posted so I knew even if I played poorly I would still be on top for the time being. I got roughly 157, 000 which was 13, 000 clear of the nearest player at the time. Next up was my brother, Stuart. He played Lay Down by Priestess, a song off the demo which he has played quite a bit. He got 100% off the song and got a score of 166, 000 which put him in the lead. Midge was next, he played My Name Is Jonas by Weezer and got 158, 000 putting him in 2nd spot for the time being. The rest of the night was mostly people just playing their favourite songs, obviously they had not thought about which songs to score the most points in, they were just there to play… suckers. A few good performances pushed me back to 5th place which was enough to make the final 5.

The final 3 was to be decided by playing the hardest song, Through Fire and Flames by Dragonforce on the hard difficulty (see it here). There were no expectations on any of us to even finish the song, it was who could get through the furthest before failing. I went first and got 5% through, which I figured would not get me through. 2 more players attempted it including Midge but could both only conjure 3% each. I was in the top 3 regardless now. Stu was next, he scored a massive 19% and received a massive cheer and even standing ovations from the crowd. This was the night he had worked his entire life for. The final player got 13% enough to finish in 2nd.

So Stuart got 1st and I got 3rd. Is there a more formidable brother combination in the Guitar Hero world? I think it’s highly unlikely.

What could cause all these unexplained phenomenons? Asteroids? No. Solar flares? No. What occurred was far more spectacular and life changing.

I defeated Marc Milliner (aka Millie) in squash.

For months and months, myself and several friends play a weekly game of squash at the Daisy Hill squash courts. Over the course of our squash playing, there remained one constant. I could not beat Millie. Most of my games against him resulted in a 9 – 0 victory for him. In fact, only a handful of squash players across the world have achieved the feat of defeating him. Millie’s skills in squash have been likened to that of Darren Lockyer’s in league, Michael Jordan’s in basketball, and Jenna Jameson’s in taking it in the ham wallet.

I arrived at the squash courts at 6:20pm, slightly earlier than usual, for our 6:30 start. Surprisingly, Millie was already there, warming up on court. I joined him for a warm up and we then proceeded to play. I hit an early lead of 3 – 0 which was amazing, since until recently, 3 was the highest score I could get against him. There was something special about this night, there was something running through me, an unexplained force. I was playing so awesomely I got a semi-chub right there on the court. If there was ever going to be a night to defeat Millie, it was this night. Millie fought back as expected and we were soon locked at 3 all. The game was spectacular. The rallies were intense. Millie was being pushed to his limits. We battled back and forward neither of us able to get a lead of more than 1. The game was a marathon. Spectators began to gather. This was a special match. Sadly, the game ended with a victory to Millie, 13 – 11. I had squandered what I thought was my one and only chance to defeat the squash god.

I moved on to play my other friends, with varied success. I had lost my confidence along with my match against Millie.

Eventually, it came time to play Millie again. I approached the match reluctantly. I knew I would never be able to match the effort of the last game I played against him. This was quickly evident as he defeated me 9 – 0. The horrible memories of thrashings came flooding back. My shoulders hunched in humble defeat.

We still had a few minutes left of our booking so Millie and I decided to have another match. I didn’t expect a great deal and went into the match with low expectations. Before I knew it, I had won the first point. Then the 2nd. My confidence from the first match returned. My pants tightened yet again. I was back in the zone. I flew to a seemingly unbeatable lead of 5 – 0 before Millie conjured his first point. The pressure of maintaining my lead was immense. Memories of the lost chance from the first game flashed in my eyes. I couldn’t let this opportunity slip. I turned up the heat and raced away to a massive 9 – 3 victory. I was gobsmacked. I crumpled to the floor. I had done it. I had defeated Millie.

There are several sporting feats which are respected and lauded more than others. Winning the rugby world cup (for some reason, it’s a fucking boring sport), winning Wimbledon, winning the PGA tour, winning the Superbowl and of course, defeating Millie in squash. I had just achieved what only a few others ever will.

The praise and accolades rained down upon me like urine in a golden shower flick. This is what I had been unknowingly working towards for my 24 years on earth. Below is a victorious image from the broadcast of the match captured by Fox sports. As you can see he is totally crushed, which is a stark contrast to me as I am super happy.

The ‘:P’ face on this site, by the looks of it, is conveying a ‘poking tongue at you’ emotion. However, the corresponding face in clients such as msn represents a ‘tongue in cheek’ emotion. It is best used after a comment that was said in jest. Because trying to represent a tongue in cheek face is somewhat difficult in only a few pixels, the creator of the emoticon simply placed the tongue hanging out the side of the mouth. It is not directed outwards so it is not a face poking a tongue at someone, as many uninformed chatters seem to think. So, as a rule of thumb, look at the emoticon before using it. If the tongue is to the side, its a tongue in cheek emoticon.

Ok, now that I have cleared that up, I can move onto my favourite of all emoticons: The or XD emoticon.

One of the theories to its origin is South Park. In South Park when a character laughs so hard they close their eyes, their eyes resemble an ‘X’ on its side. The mouth changes to resemble a ‘D’ on its side and so you have ‘XD’ resembling their face.

This is then without doubt the origin of the face, since South Park is hella cool and has a massive influence on the world, especially the world of IM clients.

It may have started out as simply a way to convey the emotion of uncontrollable laughter but it has since transformed into a multi-purpose emoticon. Following are a few real life examples of how it can and should be used:

• To show someone what you think of them in an overexaggerated way, but also in a way to not really offend them – You are talking to your mate, and he’s telling you of how he is making a solar powered boat in his spare time that will take pictures of its surrounds while making its way to New Zealand. You, knowing that his actions are hella nerdy, say, “You’re a fucking idiot”. This is somewhat over the top! There is no real reason to swear like that and you know it! So to soften it up a bit and to show it’s all a bit of a laugh, you do the face.
• To express sheer enjoyment at someone else’s misery – A good friend tells you his last girlfriend broke up with him because she thought he had sex with a paw paw. A simple ‘LOL’ or even the orsmly cool ‘ALOL’ (this will be explained in a future post) will not suffice in this situation. It’s hilarious, embarrassing and you have to wonder why your friend would confess that to you. The face comes in handy in this situation!
• To show appreciation for an infantile or immoral joke / situation – A friend overhears someone say something that could be interpreted the wrong way by someone that appreciates infantile humour, like a lady offering a co-worker a hug, only to realise her shirt is wet, consequently saying “Want a hug? I’m very wet”. Boring people would not even notice the obvious sexual innuendo, so the face is used to show your friend that you realise this is a seriously funny situation. The story teller will usually conclude the story with a of his own, to which you should reply with if you also appreciate the situation.

So there you have it. Some great real world examples of how to use the emoticon. If you are ever unsure when do use it, just try and replicate the face with your own face. You will be able to tell if that face suits the situation instantly!! Go forth and use it, you will wonder how you had online conversations without it!

The subsequent trip to the doctor’s confirmed what I already knew. My nose was broken. As most unmanly men would do, I went to the police, in search of justice. This bogan must pay! But alas, apparently, it’s well within the law to take matters in to your own hands if someone says something to you and you don’t appreciate it. I refer to page 55 of the Queensland Criminal Code – Division 7. In case you are lazy and don’t wish to find this yourself, here are some of the highlights. I have bolded passages of particular interest.

Division 7—Objective concept of reasonable force, act or belief
Objective meaning of “reasonable” in certain circumstances
83.(1) This section applies to a provision of an Act under which a
person—
(a) may use, or is not criminally responsible for using, reasonable
force; or
(b) may do an act, or is not criminally responsible for doing an act, if
the act is reasonable; or

(c) may do an act, or is not criminally responsible for doing an act, if
the person has a specific reasonable suspicion or belief.
(2) The force is reasonable if, in all the circumstances—
(a) it is reasonable to use some force; and
(b) the amount of force used is reasonable.
(3) The act is reasonable if it is reasonable in all the circumstances.
(4) The suspicion or belief is reasonable if it is reasonable in all the
circumstances.
Division 8—Provocation and the ordinary person
Meaning of “provocation”
84.(1) “Provocation” is an act of a nature likely to deprive an ordinary
person of the power of self-control (the “provoking” act) and to induce the
ordinary person to do an act (the “provoked” act) to whoever it was who
did the provoking act, if the provoking act were done—
(a) to the ordinary person; or
(b) in the ordinary person’s presence to anyone else.
(2) If a person (the “first person”) does the provoking act to a second
person, or in the second person’s presence to anyone else, the first person
gives the second person provocation for the provoked act.
(3) An act a person does because of incitement given by anyone to
induce the person to do the act, and therefore to give an excuse for a
provoked act, is not provocation to the other person for an act.
(4) An unlawful arrest is not necessarily provocation, but may be
provocation if the arrested person knows or reasonably believes the arrest is
unlawful.
(5) A lawful act is not provocation for an act.
(6) The provoking act can be an insult or spoken words, even if the insult
or words are lawful.

Ok, so from that we can gather that if you say something that would “deprive an ordinary person of self-control”, they can retaliate using “reasonable” force. So, what is an ordinary person? Glad you asked:

Characteristics of the ordinary person
85.(1) This section applies for—
(a) this division; and
(b) any other provision of the Code under which the criminal
responsibility of a person for doing an act in particular
circumstances is decided by comparison with the conduct of an
ordinary person in those circumstances.
(2) The characteristics of the person that are included in the characteristics
of the ordinary person are not limited to the person’s age.
(3) The characteristics of the person included in the characteristics of the
ordinary person include, for example, a person’s race, ethnic background
and gender.

Thrilling, still don’t really know what an ordinary person is, but hey, who understands most of the laws anyway. So, my question is, you’re in the midst of an alcohol fueled night, how can you react with reasonable force and rest easy knowing you didn’t cross the line? Well, after my debacle I have decided to compile a list of words and acts and then accompany them with points based on severity. If someone calls you a name, simply use the points system to decide on appropriate action. I am not going to list all the possible insults and physical reactions, but more just a widely used list.

Verbal acts:

• Faggot – 100 points
• Wanker – 60 points
• Dickhead – 70 points
• Arsehole – 70 points
• Motherfucker – 110 points
• The dreaded “C” word – 130 points
• Pooface – 5 points
• Loser – 15 points

Physical acts:

• King hit – 100 points
• Single ordinary punch – 80 points
• Shove – 50 points
• Roundhouse kick – 120 points
• Piledriver / Powerbomb – 150 points
• Fireball – 200 points

Ok, so there you have it. A definitive list for our pub points system. So how do you use it? Well it’s easy, every time someone insults you, add up the points for each insult. Then, using a combination of retaliations (either physical or verbal), deal them some justice. Don’t be afraid to mix things up! If someone calls you a “motherfucking arsehole” you now have 180 points to use! You could shove him, then king hit him and call him a loser twice and still only be eve, with no chance of retribution for him! Its flawless..

Well at least according to the law it is

Recently, my younger brother, let’s call him Barry, was pulled over by the police, and had his car subsequently put under a fine tooth comb for defects. Keep in mind, this is no hotted up car, but instead a riced up 95 lancer. Now with a fake bonnet scoop I can understand why the police might want to take a look, but to the best of his knowledge, his car was totally roadworthy. The only modifications he had made to it was a new exhaust, the aforementioned bonnet scoop, new wheels, a taco (no, not a meat taco), a new gear stick and some new racing pedals. All run of the mill stuff for people into their cars (apart from the scoop, I can’t explain that). To his surprise, he was quickly defected for:

• the racing pedals : even though they were plastic as required by law
• the gear stick: simply because the gears were not marked on it
• the wheels: something about them not matching the car’s bolt pattern or something (I don’t know cars and if that doesn’t make sense then I don’t care)

So this, finally, brings me to my point.

WHY THE HELL CAN YOU BUY THESE THINGS IN SHOPS IF THEY ARE ILLEGAL TO ACTUALLY PLACE ON YOUR CAR!!?!

Why can you just waltz down to the local Supercheap or Autobarn and buy racing pedals and gear sticks that if you actually use them for the intended use, then you are going to get a fine and taken off the road?! To quote one of my favourite movies, “It’s f*cking stupid”. Most people, myself included, would just assume that anything you buy at a shop specialising in car equipment would be legal to actually place on your car. I know, it’s a crazy assumption.

Why don’t they just sell guns too? Sure, they are illegal to operate without a license, but that’s not the shop owner’s concern, it’s up to the customer to be responsible and not use it after purchase. It’s the same thing with bongs being sold in tobacco shops. They have no other use (as far as I know anyway, I’m no druggo so if I’m incorrect on this please, don’t tell me, I don’t care) , apart from allowing people to smoke illegal substances. Now if we can’t legally own weed, then why on earth would we possibly have the need to own a contraption purposefully made to use the stuff.

There is a slight difference, however, in selling car parts and bongs. First of all, people buying bongs know very well that what they are going to use them for is illegal, but it’s the innocent victims of defective car parts that need assistance. Places selling these parts should be made to include a disclaimer on all possibly defect-inducing products. The end.

For the sake of his privacy (what a lie, to save myself from slander charges) I won’t use his full name but instead will only mention his first name: Cameron, and his online alias: Merlin, which is a really lame name and was made worse by the fact he tried to use this in the real world. Throughout the rest of this post I will refer to him only as “assface”.

Anyway, onto the reason for my hatred. It all started back in high school where I was quite good friends with Assface. Obviously for some reason my judgement of him was clouded, as I would find out later, he was a douchebag. Apparently his father knew this far sooner than I and turfed his ass out on the streets. My mum, being a kind hearted soul offered him a place to stay temporarily until he could organise other accomodation. So Assface stayed at my place, sleeping on spare matresses. As with most friends you have times where you annoy each other, but for the good part of a week he was ok company. This soon all changed when it became obvious he didn’t plan on leaving any time soon. He, being a total loser, didn’t have a job, and so would stay at my place all weekend and all school holidays playing my Playstation and using my TV, stereo etc. I soon tired of this, and tension arose between us. He noticed this (as I found out later in a letter he wrote which he planned to give to me but never did because he is gutless) but failed to act upon it and move out. Instead he stuck around for ages acting as a blight on my soul.

Another blemish on his record is the fact he ended up dating, for years, a girl who he, up until the day they started dating, described as ‘ugly’, ‘annoying’ and ‘disgusting’. This is mainly due to the fact she was all of the above. When these two began bumping uglies, the world became a dark place. Children in the streets cried when they saw the embrace of two of the worlds most pathetic beings. Full grown men cried at the thought of them being happy, when they deserve nothing but the opposite. It made me sad inside.

Eventually, Assface’s mother took him in, and he moved to Sydney to live with her. This was one of most happy moments in my life, and a dance known famously as ‘The Cameron’s Gone to Sydney Dance’ was born. Assface then made a comment to a mutual friend which fueled my hatred for him, that he was only using my family for a place to stay and that he didn’t like any of us anyway. What a cockgobbler.

There’s no real reason for this post, I just needed to put this out there, so others can be warned. I do, however, hope Assface will stumble upon it someday and in case of this I will finish with the following comment: Cameron, if you ever read this, I hate you and I hope you get aids.

Up until recently I had never owned a Nokia phone. They all seemed to be too boring with small screens and they all looked the same. They seemed to release a new phone each week, and with that kind of lifespan I never considered buying one. Another reason was the lack of 3G support in the cheaper models.

All that changed recently when, upon the expiration of my contract with 3 I was offered a new Nokia 6288 on a $29 cap. I was spending around $55 a month at the time on my Motorola E1000 and the Nokia had the same features as the Motorola with a few extra additions so the choice was simple. After I got home with my new Nokia and charged it just like the manual instructs, the first thing I did was change my ring and message tones. I did this to save myself major embarrassment later of getting a phone call in public and still having the default nokia tune as my ringtone. Because, as you will soon find out, if you still have the default nokia ringtone in use, then you are a tard.

In case you don’t know the tune I’m talking about then here it is (be warned, it is utter crap and this is actually a polyphonic version of the real annoying one).

“How does leaving a catchy little nokia tune as your ringtone make you a tard?”, you ask. I’ll tell you.

• It’s not catchy at all, it’s utter shite. If you think it’s a nice tune, shoot yourself in the head now before you can procreate.
• Just about every second person has a Nokia, so that means everytime a Nokia rings, every single moron with a default nokia ringtone has to check to see if it’s their phone that is ringing.
• It makes you look like one of those old geezers that has no idea how to operate his mobile phone, let alone change a ringtone.
• Mobile phones these days can play mp3s and aac amongst other things. They do this so you can listen to music you like on your phone and, shock horror, use music you like as your ringtone. Amazing, I know. Why would you choose to listen to a boring nokia tune when you could listen to your favourite song?!

Then of course there is the other side of things, where maybe you are actually mentally handicapped and for that reason you are unable to navigate your nokia menus to change your ringtones. In this case, you’re definently a tard, no arguments.

If you are reading this and you have the default Nokia ring or message tone selected, then for your own sake, change it now. You don’t wanna be a tard do you?