XD : The best emoticon of all

Emoticons. We all use them to convey our emotions during a conversation over one of the many IM clients that are out there to stay in touch with friends and family, but more importantly, distract us from work. The most common of these emoticons is undoubtedly , and . The emoticon raises several issues with me, because of the misinterpretation that many people seem to have with it.

The ‘:P’ face on this site, by the looks of it, is conveying a ‘poking tongue at you’ emotion. However, the corresponding face in clients such as msn represents a ‘tongue in cheek’ emotion. It is best used after a comment that was said in jest. Because trying to represent a tongue in cheek face is somewhat difficult in only a few pixels, the creator of the emoticon simply placed the tongue hanging out the side of the mouth. It is not directed outwards so it is not a face poking a tongue at someone, as many uninformed chatters seem to think. So, as a rule of thumb, look at the emoticon before using it. If the tongue is to the side, its a tongue in cheek emoticon.

Ok, now that I have cleared that up, I can move onto my favourite of all emoticons: The or XD emoticon.

One of the theories to its origin is South Park. In South Park when a character laughs so hard they close their eyes, their eyes resemble an ‘X’ on its side. The mouth changes to resemble a ‘D’ on its side and so you have ‘XD’ resembling their face.

This is then without doubt the origin of the face, since South Park is hella cool and has a massive influence on the world, especially the world of IM clients.

It may have started out as simply a way to convey the emotion of uncontrollable laughter but it has since transformed into a multi-purpose emoticon. Following are a few real life examples of how it can and should be used:

• To show someone what you think of them in an overexaggerated way, but also in a way to not really offend them – You are talking to your mate, and he’s telling you of how he is making a solar powered boat in his spare time that will take pictures of its surrounds while making its way to New Zealand. You, knowing that his actions are hella nerdy, say, “You’re a fucking idiot”. This is somewhat over the top! There is no real reason to swear like that and you know it! So to soften it up a bit and to show it’s all a bit of a laugh, you do the face.
• To express sheer enjoyment at someone else’s misery – A good friend tells you his last girlfriend broke up with him because she thought he had sex with a paw paw. A simple ‘LOL’ or even the orsmly cool ‘ALOL’ (this will be explained in a future post) will not suffice in this situation. It’s hilarious, embarrassing and you have to wonder why your friend would confess that to you. The face comes in handy in this situation!
• To show appreciation for an infantile or immoral joke / situation – A friend overhears someone say something that could be interpreted the wrong way by someone that appreciates infantile humour, like a lady offering a co-worker a hug, only to realise her shirt is wet, consequently saying “Want a hug? I’m very wet”. Boring people would not even notice the obvious sexual innuendo, so the face is used to show your friend that you realise this is a seriously funny situation. The story teller will usually conclude the story with a of his own, to which you should reply with if you also appreciate the situation.

So there you have it. Some great real world examples of how to use the emoticon. If you are ever unsure when do use it, just try and replicate the face with your own face. You will be able to tell if that face suits the situation instantly!! Go forth and use it, you will wonder how you had online conversations without it!

Don’t drink and don’t drive? Bloody Idiot.

Have you ever been out drinking and noticed a group of people, none of which are drinking? Perhaps you have been part of one of these sober groups. Well, it’s time something was done on behalf of all designated drivers everywhere. I hereby declare a new unwritten rule (ok, so now it’s written, but you get the point):

If you’re not driving, you better be drinking.

As far as rules go, it’s pretty simple: unless you’re the designated driver of other people, you should be over the legal limit by the end of the night.

Why? It’s a courtesy to the poor sucker stuck driving. If he/she if suffering so you, his/her mates, can drink without having to find a way home later on in your drunken state, then the least you can do is make the most of it and get totally plastered. What’s the point if you stay under the limit? You may as well have driven and let the DD (designated driver) drink instead. No-one, no matter how adamant, ever wants to be DD. Why would anyone want to stand around all night listening to people crap on about the most boring things in the world? Of course he/she would rather be drinking and having a good time, but for whatever reason, he/she decided to drive and let you drink. You had better thank your DD for driving by getting maggot and not wasting his/her driving time. Remember, DD is sober, and as such won’t find entertainment in all the same things the drunk people around him do. Get maggot so you can entertain your DD. This can work for all involved: the drinker has fun, and the DD is more likely to drive again next time knowing full well you’ll put on a show.

If you’re still struggling to comprehend this, it’s like the following scenario:

A cool new shop opens and offers all people a free car, given they don’t drive to the store (no, shut up, in this hypothetical there is no kind of public transport so forget it). This car cannot be given to another person under any circumstances. You and four mates love this offer, but realise you have no way of getting there unless one of you drives. Obviously, no-one wants to because then they would miss out on the free car! But then, for whatever reason (one of you is gay, one hates fun and free stuff, or more likely, one of you pulls the short straw) someone ends up driving. Now when you get to this shop, one of your mates (not the driver), decides he’s a loser and doesn’t want a free car. Imagine the driver’s anger and disgust! Why didn’t this free car hating bastard offer to drive so everyone else could get a free car!!?? Now the driver misses out when he/she needn’t have. See the link here? Of course you do,I just explained it perfectly.

Show your DD some respect and courtesy and get maggot. Just don’t yack in his/her car.

McDonald’s / Family Restaurant / Money Hungry Corporation / Poon Farm

When you think of McDonald’s you think of fast food, and you either love it or hate it. Some people love the convenience of it, the taste of it and the now increasingly varied menu. Others find it fatty, expensive and basically a waste of money.

Love it or hate it, its a money making machine. From the addictive foods that make you keep coming back, to the catchy jingles which suck kinds into wanting the latest toy in a happy meal, its all just more revenue for the already mega rich company. Granted, some of them money goes back to the community in the form of the Ronald McDonald house charity, and there are heaps of other community projects which McDonalds helps out.

But if you think McDonalds is just a fast food chain, then I’m about to open your eyes to one of the best keep secrets, and also, without doubt, the most important thing McDonalds gives back to the community:

Hot ass poon.

That’s right. McDonald’s is the epicenter of hot chicks in each suburb a store resides. This is how it works:

1. Young girls aged 14 – 15 apply at their local store.
2. Horny old store owner conducts interviews.
3. Girls with potential poonability are hired straight away, because, let’s face it, the owner doesn’t wanna poon no fat chicks. (Important Note: Not all girls hired are hot initially, many are viewed as potentially hot, and are hired in the hope the poon farm can bring out the hotness.)
4. Over the years, the girls are groomed to be hot, sexy and firm. They use this as a power over the customers to keep both young and old men alike coming back.
5. When the girls reach their nubility, they move onto greener pastures, such as bikini models, prostitutes, promo girls or further front counter work where they can put their now well trained poontastic skills to use.

You may be thinking, “you’re wrong, I go to McDonald’s often, and while many of the girls are hot, there are a fair share of fatty boom-ba-latties”. As mentioned above, the majority of these are those which the owner saw potential, but for unforeseen circumstances (or the consumption of McDonalds foods) they didn’t turn out as planned. The others were just hired as to keep the discrimination lawyers off their backs, afterall, you can’t hire purely based on hotness so if you chuck a few ugmos in there you will be safe.

“What do you know?” you may ask rightly. Well, I myself have witnessed firsthand the hotness that inhabits these poon farms. Hired at a tender age of 15, I worked at my local McDonalds store. Here I found myself surrounded by hot girls everywhere, ranging from the newly hired potential greatness, all the way up to the older workers which had been groomed, trained and sexified magnificently. As I, and the girls my age continued through the McDonalds ranks the girls grew in their poonability, partly attributed to their genes, but more so the poon training the girls undertake to get the most money possible from each customer.

So next time you visit your local McDonald’s store, look around, and you notice that my words are no lie. Take in the beauty, enjoy it, that’s what it has been hired for. Thank the lord that McDonalds farms poon, because we sure as hell know KFC doesn’t. Never again will you think harshly of McDonald’s, knowing in the back of your mind, the girls’ training will one day make either you, your son, or even your dad a very happy man. To finish off, and to further add proof to my theory, here is a lovely NSFW Playboy feature on the girls of McDonalds. A happy meal indeed!