At approximately 7:10pm, 22nd October 2007 a phenomenal event took place. This event was so amazing, that the world stop rotating, babies everywhere began crying simultaneously, women’s nipples all over the world became erect, water stopped flowing and Rove said something half funny.
What could cause all these unexplained phenomenons? Asteroids? No. Solar flares? No. What occurred was far more spectacular and life changing.
I defeated Marc Milliner (aka Millie) in squash.
For months and months, myself and several friends play a weekly game of squash at the Daisy Hill squash courts. Over the course of our squash playing, there remained one constant. I could not beat Millie. Most of my games against him resulted in a 9 – 0 victory for him. In fact, only a handful of squash players across the world have achieved the feat of defeating him. Millie’s skills in squash have been likened to that of Darren Lockyer’s in league, Michael Jordan’s in basketball, and Jenna Jameson’s in taking it in the ham wallet.
I arrived at the squash courts at 6:20pm, slightly earlier than usual, for our 6:30 start. Surprisingly, Millie was already there, warming up on court. I joined him for a warm up and we then proceeded to play. I hit an early lead of 3 – 0 which was amazing, since until recently, 3 was the highest score I could get against him. There was something special about this night, there was something running through me, an unexplained force. I was playing so awesomely I got a semi-chub right there on the court. If there was ever going to be a night to defeat Millie, it was this night. Millie fought back as expected and we were soon locked at 3 all. The game was spectacular. The rallies were intense. Millie was being pushed to his limits. We battled back and forward neither of us able to get a lead of more than 1. The game was a marathon. Spectators began to gather. This was a special match. Sadly, the game ended with a victory to Millie, 13 – 11. I had squandered what I thought was my one and only chance to defeat the squash god.
I moved on to play my other friends, with varied success. I had lost my confidence along with my match against Millie.
Eventually, it came time to play Millie again. I approached the match reluctantly. I knew I would never be able to match the effort of the last game I played against him. This was quickly evident as he defeated me 9 – 0. The horrible memories of thrashings came flooding back. My shoulders hunched in humble defeat.
We still had a few minutes left of our booking so Millie and I decided to have another match. I didn’t expect a great deal and went into the match with low expectations. Before I knew it, I had won the first point. Then the 2nd. My confidence from the first match returned. My pants tightened yet again. I was back in the zone. I flew to a seemingly unbeatable lead of 5 – 0 before Millie conjured his first point. The pressure of maintaining my lead was immense. Memories of the lost chance from the first game flashed in my eyes. I couldn’t let this opportunity slip. I turned up the heat and raced away to a massive 9 – 3 victory. I was gobsmacked. I crumpled to the floor. I had done it. I had defeated Millie.
There are several sporting feats which are respected and lauded more than others. Winning the rugby world cup (for some reason, it’s a fucking boring sport), winning Wimbledon, winning the PGA tour, winning the Superbowl and of course, defeating Millie in squash. I had just achieved what only a few others ever will.
The praise and accolades rained down upon me like urine in a golden shower flick. This is what I had been unknowingly working towards for my 24 years on earth. Below is a victorious image from the broadcast of the match captured by Fox sports. As you can see he is totally crushed, which is a stark contrast to me as I am super happy.
Posted by ch00nz 
