I hate Cameron aka. ‘Merlin’

Recently I listened to ‘You can’t move into my house’ by Frenzal Rhomb. Now this is a cool song and it holds a special place in my heart (well maybe not my heart, whatever the opposite of heart is). It sends me back to a time where I was a carefree teenager living the simple school life, all of which was tainted by one anus faced retard.

For the sake of his privacy (what a lie, to save myself from slander charges) I won’t use his full name but instead will only mention his first name: Cameron, and his online alias: Merlin, which is a really lame name and was made worse by the fact he tried to use this in the real world. Throughout the rest of this post I will refer to him only as “assface”.

Anyway, onto the reason for my hatred. It all started back in high school where I was quite good friends with Assface. Obviously for some reason my judgement of him was clouded, as I would find out later, he was a douchebag. Apparently his father knew this far sooner than I and turfed his ass out on the streets. My mum, being a kind hearted soul offered him a place to stay temporarily until he could organise other accomodation. So Assface stayed at my place, sleeping on spare matresses. As with most friends you have times where you annoy each other, but for the good part of a week he was ok company. This soon all changed when it became obvious he didn’t plan on leaving any time soon. He, being a total loser, didn’t have a job, and so would stay at my place all weekend and all school holidays playing my Playstation and using my TV, stereo etc. I soon tired of this, and tension arose between us. He noticed this (as I found out later in a letter he wrote which he planned to give to me but never did because he is gutless) but failed to act upon it and move out. Instead he stuck around for ages acting as a blight on my soul.

Another blemish on his record is the fact he ended up dating, for years, a girl who he, up until the day they started dating, described as ‘ugly’, ‘annoying’ and ‘disgusting’. This is mainly due to the fact she was all of the above. When these two began bumping uglies, the world became a dark place. Children in the streets cried when they saw the embrace of two of the worlds most pathetic beings. Full grown men cried at the thought of them being happy, when they deserve nothing but the opposite. It made me sad inside.

Eventually, Assface’s mother took him in, and he moved to Sydney to live with her. This was one of most happy moments in my life, and a dance known famously as ‘The Cameron’s Gone to Sydney Dance’ was born. Assface then made a comment to a mutual friend which fueled my hatred for him, that he was only using my family for a place to stay and that he didn’t like any of us anyway. What a cockgobbler.

There’s no real reason for this post, I just needed to put this out there, so others can be warned. I do, however, hope Assface will stumble upon it someday and in case of this I will finish with the following comment: Cameron, if you ever read this, I hate you and I hope you get aids.

Nokia ringtones are for tards

Nokia: the world’s largest manufacturer of mobile phones, and the bane of my existence.

Up until recently I had never owned a Nokia phone. They all seemed to be too boring with small screens and they all looked the same. They seemed to release a new phone each week, and with that kind of lifespan I never considered buying one. Another reason was the lack of 3G support in the cheaper models.

All that changed recently when, upon the expiration of my contract with 3 I was offered a new Nokia 6288 on a $29 cap. I was spending around $55 a month at the time on my Motorola E1000 and the Nokia had the same features as the Motorola with a few extra additions so the choice was simple. After I got home with my new Nokia and charged it just like the manual instructs, the first thing I did was change my ring and message tones. I did this to save myself major embarrassment later of getting a phone call in public and still having the default nokia tune as my ringtone. Because, as you will soon find out, if you still have the default nokia ringtone in use, then you are a tard.

In case you don’t know the tune I’m talking about then here it is (be warned, it is utter crap and this is actually a polyphonic version of the real annoying one).

“How does leaving a catchy little nokia tune as your ringtone make you a tard?”, you ask. I’ll tell you.

• It’s not catchy at all, it’s utter shite. If you think it’s a nice tune, shoot yourself in the head now before you can procreate.
• Just about every second person has a Nokia, so that means everytime a Nokia rings, every single moron with a default nokia ringtone has to check to see if it’s their phone that is ringing.
• It makes you look like one of those old geezers that has no idea how to operate his mobile phone, let alone change a ringtone.
• Mobile phones these days can play mp3s and aac amongst other things. They do this so you can listen to music you like on your phone and, shock horror, use music you like as your ringtone. Amazing, I know. Why would you choose to listen to a boring nokia tune when you could listen to your favourite song?!

Then of course there is the other side of things, where maybe you are actually mentally handicapped and for that reason you are unable to navigate your nokia menus to change your ringtones. In this case, you’re definently a tard, no arguments.

If you are reading this and you have the default Nokia ring or message tone selected, then for your own sake, change it now. You don’t wanna be a tard do you?